Let's get the thankfulness part out of the way lest I come across as an ingrate: I am thankful for everything in my life. Blah blah blah.
Actually, this post has little to do with the observance of Thanksgiving. Wanna decadent feast for thought about Thanksgiving? Leave and go here.
Oh yes my little thing here is less about the essence of this domestic holiday and more about admonishing the friends and family of couples whom divorce.
A divorce is hard enough as it is on the directly impacted two individuals, and the attendant child(ren) in residence should there be any, without having to field the major assholery of friends and family during the process. Even under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be a painfully protracted event, often landing like a calamitous A-bomb smashing the town of live citizenry beneath its unrepentant, cruel weight and leaving a noxious atmosphere that endures for god knows however long. Aftermath is expected.
In lots and lots of divorce cases, the air eventually clears and a brand new, better, glorious day arrives.
But listen, friends and family, don't be glib and insensitive during the delicate time in question. Don't be an asshole, ok? Divorce is one of the hardest, most psychologically trying events in life some people may ever wade through. It is a death.
Apropos of someone around you experiencing a divorce: If you have known the wife or husband for years and years prior to that respective party's union with his or her marital partner, and there was nothing major either one of the wife or husband did to the other one or to anyone else involved that is particularly egregious and grounds for inflicting assholery, think before you act where it pertains to husband and/or wife you knew for so long or are actually related to so as to not unintentionally be a righteous dipshit. For example, if said husband or wife, that you knew long before that individual commenced union with his or her marital partner, would appreciate you not contacting his or her now-ex-marital partner, how about having respect for those boundaries? Is that too much to ask? You may feel a loss and perhaps resentment that the separation of two individuals you were close to has caused you to have to change your friendship and family dynamics. A byproduct of this, yes you have experienced loss too. It sucks. Your son-in-law is no longer your son in law. Your brother-in-law is no longer your brother-in-law. You still love him and are pained at the idea that he can't be intimately in your life anymore and you place blame on the spouse you knew longer because if that spouse would JUST have stayed married, these particular losses of yours wouldn't have occurred and your life would be super fine and dandy. Whoooooopppie doooo!
Look, selfish dear sweet friends and family, a separation is a hypersensitive time. In my case, we have had to be separated for one year before proceeding with legal absolution of materially changed circumstances. One Whole Year of contemplating the very real demise of a decade of together erecting a loving family and household. Until you experience the termination of an institution that love and intimacy built during years and years, you will NEVER know the devastation and the drudgery and the nights of flooding tears that something like this carries with it. Despite that my ex and I have remained as amicable as humanly possible for the vast majority of it even going so far as to have dinner together with our son on occasions (PLURAL) and attending his birthday festivities together to show a unified amicable front, it has not been what I would characterize as an easy year.
What I am trying to tell you is this: While my separation/divorce has brought a loss to you, your loss is no where near as enormous and no where near as deep as mine. So buck up. And stop asking me if you can contact my ex. Stop contacting my ex. Let us be. Let us have our boundaries so we can move on and heal. It doesn't mean you don't love him. Reach out to him once and tell him you love him. Fine. But leave it be. For my sake, stop the intervention for a period of time. For a year or two. Let us move on, let us learn to fill the profound canyon created by this earth splitting event with new life. Have a modicum of understanding that this divorce is less about you and far more about us, the primarily impacted.
Dear Sister, I don't want you contacting my ex to ask him for my old pie crust recipe that you want to make for Thanksgiving. I know if I asked him for it, he would go dig it out and provide it. I know if you called him, the same. Cause he is a nice person like that. But that recipe is a casualty of this divorce. No one needs to call him to ask him to dredge it up.
No one needs to remind him right now, that we were all together during many Thanksgivings of the past. That that particular recipe I used on repeated occasions to make lovely and delicious pies that all of us, together, cooed and yummied over. That that cookbook has my flour-caked fingerprints all over it and that I won't be using it this year to make a pie that we all enjoy eating, together.
This shit is hard enough. So suck it up, go without the goddamn recipe this year. It's not about you.
We will heal. He and I will use this experience to grow because that is the kind of people we both are. Every day I feel stronger.
In the meantime, while the wound is still gaping and fresh, thank you for not being total assholes.
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