It's My Birthday and I'll Be Hateful if I Want To.

I'm 37 years old today.  Today I am going to be WILDLY INDULGENT.

My birthday gift to myself is allowing myself to be hurt and angry and not accepting the attendant guilt.

I reject the guilt.  I accept this process.

I am not over this divorce yet, emotionally.  I am not.  I am way better.  But I am not done hurting.

My ex-husband placed the final straw on the heap of increasing fragility that was my best friendship with my old best friend.  But it wasn't his relationship to repair or ruin, it was mine.  He apologized.  I am trying to forgive him, but I find that I am not capable yet.  She and I were friends for almost 20 years and now we are no longer friends.  I knew her and her history long before she ever met my ex-husband.  My ex-husband severed the last thread with something he did that was incredibly thoughtless.  I'm going to get over it, but I'm still really hurt.

This morning I stood in the scalding hot water of my shower and said

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.  You are a smug asshole.  You can go fuck yourself.  You think you are perfect.  You have a nice job and a nice house and you can go fuck yourself.  I hate you.

Over and over.

I cried until I had to puke up phlegm.

I indulged.

And now I think I've got that moment out of my system and I can go on for the day and treat myself to lunch and a glass of wine and pasta later.

And be happy for life!!!!

37 years of LIFE!!!!!!!