Into the Fire, Mom and Dad.

I ran this morning, in the dark, as the cool early fall air caressed me.

I ran to this song.

I ran away from every petty or malicious demon chasing me.

I ran away from the three consecutive nightmares I have had about my Ex for three nights in a row.

Then I alternately cried, deep sobs difficult-to-breathe, and ran.  It came upon me an incisive understanding of what my parents went through 32 years ago.

Divorce is devastating, Mom and Dad.  I am sorry you had to go through that.  I am so sorry you had to make excruciatingly difficult choices under extreme emotional duress.  I was 4 years old, my brother was 6 and my sister was 10.  You sleeplessly worried about us.  You cried and cried and cried.  You started life over, and it was an epic challenge for both of you.  

You were devastated.  You were guilt-ridden.  You would spend the rest of your lives wondering if you could have done things differently or better.  I know you did that especially, Dad.  I know you blame yourself for every insane thing that happened to my brother.

Mom, Dad, it's not your fault.  You are human.  You really did the best you could.  

It is impossible to walk away from a family life and a marriage, even when it is absolutely impossible to stay.  Devastating.

I am so sorry for your incredible despair and your profound suffering.  I know it took years for both of you to heal.  Mom, you never really healed.  I'm so sorry.

I ran and as I ran I saw the wreckage of the emotional cataclysm around me.  I tended to every one of the wounded.  

I ran over to Hurt, laying there in a puddle of blood.  I patched up Hurt's wounds and I kissed her on the forehead and told her she would heal.

I climbed over dead bodies to reach Resentment, legless, screaming in rage.  I applied a tourniquet, injected morphine, and told Resentment its time had come, despite my best efforts.

Guilt was face down in the mud.  Only upon reaching her did I see she had extensive open wounds.  I had to stop the perilous amount of bleeding.  I sutured, then bandaged every rupture.  I told her I loved her and that it was okay.  That she conducted her service with valor, but that she would be released and never called upon again.

I reached Anger just in time.  Except, no, I was too late.  Anger was dying.  I said a prayer.

Finally, I reached Sadness.  Sadness, in a fetal position.  I enveloped Sadness in my arms and we cried together.  With kind words, I assured Sadness she would beat the odds and be reborn.

Crazy Baldheads.

For The Next Five Minutes.

I yoga'd last Saturday morning.  At the end of the class, the yoga instructor said:  Lay down, close your eyes.  Relax every part of your body.  For the next five minutes all of your needs will be met.

That last statement really struck me and resonated long thereafter.

How often in life are we told:  For the next X amount of minutes / hours / days / weeks / months / for the next year, ALL of your needs will be met?  Stated with conviction its a precision eliminator for 90% of preoccupations.  Sure, we may still worry about whether our loved ones' needs are met, but afterall their needs are an extension of our needs in a way at least.

I need to say that to my five year old.  For the next 5 minutes et al, all your needs will be met.  I don't know that he will understand it yet though, as I'm not sure he grasps the concept of what his needs truly are.  He conflates his needs with acquiring the next pricey Transformer Rescue Bot toy from a retail store whimsical desires.

Also, I found some joy in a little, teensy something I accomplished.  You know that axiom about honey attracting?  My son is in kindergarten now.  Last year he was in preschool.  While in preschool, he had this teacher/school helper that was from Uganda.  Her son was also in preschool.  My son adored her son.  She, however, was quite cold to approach.  I projected my paranoia onto her and decided she did not much like non-Black people or had a distaste for our non-trad family dynamic.  That did not deter me from inviting her family over for a play date last year even though up to that point she had pretty much refused to even hold a conversation with me or reciprocate my smile.  She accepted my invite, however, and the day they came over I made some tasty chicken salad and some fresh heirloom salsa, bought fresh kaiser rolls and blue corn tortilla chips.  Our sons had a blast together that day.  Which resulted in me winning her over.  I'm not always a champion at killing with kindness, but I have my moments.  We haven't seen them much since that day due to a busy summer and loads of transitions.  But in the interim she searched for me (as I had changed my phone number).  Finally, I talked to her yesterday and she invited us over same day!  We couldn't go, but we made plans to see each other in a few weeks.  Yeah!

Tumbling Down the Hourglass.

Life is teaching me intimately about patience.  One current runs through the variant aspects of my circumstances: an unrelenting cosmic plea for me to have patience.

In the state I live in a married couple must be physically separated for one whole year before either individual can legally file a petition for absolute divorce.  365 days must pass before either individual can commence the legal process toward formal absolution of all.  This requirement is thematically antithetical to the progressive nature of the majority of state policies.  Without urgent, dire grounds there is no circumventing.  What happens in that year's time is a story unto itself, one I am living out in the short, crisp days and the hopelessly long, blue ones that comprise 365.

As I sit here at my work computer, I am desperately awaiting an email from a potential employer regarding a rumored interview I will have in the week to come for a job that would be relatively amazing.  Torturous waiting.  It's a job I would bludgeon a dozen kittens and eat a few rodents to have.

One must have patience particularly with significant others with whom crucial relationships exist and evolve.  When can my ex and I be friends again without all the heavy sadness forming a big, creepy, disdainful blob in between us?  Unshackled from the bonds of marriage, will we see that time eroded the thick layers of hurt and unveiled the authentic friendship that convention once buried?  God I hope so.

When can I truly understand what my now-lover wants from me and is willing to provide me?  When will he?

How long will it take me to save enough money to travel with my son to Ethiopia again?

How long will I have to force myself to do artwork, notwithstanding inspiration, until I feel prolific enough?

Why does a language take so long to learn?

The day I pay off the rest of my credit card debt will be a day of ecstatic rejoicing.

One day.  With hope and faith.

Albert Einstein said that time is an illusion.

Meanwhile, I'm okay today.  I am healthy, I see the world, I love and am loved.

Just Send a Hug.

Sometimes when you are having a hard time, its nice to get an email from a clever friend:

Hi Cee,

"Nation Currently More Sympathetic To Demise Of Planet Krypton Than Plight of Syria"  - you can guess what I was just reading.  I wish people would lay off Obama; it's an impossible situation.

 

I need a break from constantly scanning job descriptions so what can I say.  How is it going?  I wish we could have had more time together when you were up here.  I cannot get over what a little man your son is becoming.  I got my first paycheck last week, and I will be working at least 3 full days this week (while continuing to look for full-time work) so I'm going to save my money and come down and see you guys.  I want to meet the cat and see your new place. 

 

Not much new here.  I am glad for the advent (wishful thinking, maybe) of fall.  I am really awfully tired of sweating.  Georgie and Ned are still in Maine - they drive home Saturday.  Apparently, miracle of miracles, the baby peacocks are doing well - only lost one so far, which is highly unusual.  How's the job?  I think of you often and hope that it's getting easier for you.  I am having weekly therapy sessions with a crazy man, but he's smart so I like to hear what he says.  A former extremely violent criminal and diagnosed sociopath (see, you like him already, don't you?) who I hope will help me untangle the knots in my brain. 

 

Spent a lot of time on trains the last week or so, so I am reading a lot.  Just finished "The Last Picture Show" by Larry McMurtry.  Kind of carries you along despite being depressing and somewhat grotesque, but that's sort of how he writes.  And I read "A Farewell To Arms" by Ernest Hemingway.  It was okay, but didn't move me like some of his other stuff.  Also read a thriller by some right-wing writer where the Navy SEALs make the world safe for America's continuing oil supply.  You can imagine.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and send a hug.

The Savior Industry.

On June 11, 2010 at 5:45 am, I received an email that some big honcho from the adoption agency (one of the big ones) that I employed to assist with the adoption of my son sent out.   The mass email read:


Over 143,000,000 orphans around the world struggle to survive every day. As a leader in international adoption, Agency has witnessed the struggle of individual children. Viewed collectively, the struggle becomes a silent, worldwide crisis. Agency is now beginning to work with like-minded organizations to give these orphans a voice and say to the world: THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. 
 
Together we are developing a plan to 1) reduce the orphan population, and 2) improve orphan care, consistent with Agency's mission of Creating Brighter Futures around the World by finding permanent families for children and caring for the children left behind. Our plan involves building coalitions with other adoption agencies, legislators and policy-makers, the academic community, churches and synagogues, UN and NGOs, as well as religious, community and government leaders overseas. And it involves YOU. You can become the orphan's voice.
 
Consider the combined network of these like-minded organizations - hundreds of thousands of families. In this age of social media, that's quite a start in an effort to communicate a compelling message. In order to broaden the ownership of this undertaking to include each of you, we will provide periodic updates as to our progress in collaboratively confronting the world's orphan crisis, including occasional calls to action.
 
There is an awakening in this country to the plight of the orphan and a drumbeat of concern to take up their cause and not turn a deaf ear to their cry any longer. With your involvement, we can relegate the word "orphan" to the history books. Maybe not in our lifetime, but we can plant the seeds today. 

On June 10, 2010 at 9:15 am, I replied to this big honcho with the following:


Dear Mr. G,
 
As the mother of an Ethiopian adoptive son, I am very intrigued to have received this email from Agency.  The mention that Agency will be engaged in coalition building with legislators and policy-makers in particular to reduce the world orphan population is especially interesting to me.  In the vein of working with legislators and policy-makers, I wonder if Agency has plans to lobby Congress, directly or indirectly, to reintroduce federal foreign-policy legislation promoting democracy in countries that have questionable political structures or regimes that influence or bear on the orphan crisis there (as in at the best the way those regimes function maintains the orphan crisis status quo or it worsens it), in a country like Ethiopia for instance.  
 
Examples of the legislation, which died and never became law, I refer to are, specifically:
 
The Ethiopia Democracy and Accountability Act

http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=h110-2003 
 
and
 
The Ethiopia Freedom, Democracy and Human Rights Advancement Act
 
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=h110-2228

Ethiopia is a beautiful country, with a fascinating history and exquisite culture.  Unfortunately, however, the citizens of Ethiopia toil and struggle beneath a totalitarian and oppressive regime, that which virtually reinstated itself by means of a sham national election on May 23, 2010, indicating to the world it has no desire to entertain the idea of relinquishing its power.
 
http://nazret.com/blog/index.php?title=obama_administration_snubs_ethiopia_over&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1
 
On January 6, 2010 the Ethiopian Parliament, no doubt at the behest of the immoveable Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi, passed a law entitled the Proclamation of Charities Act which limits the financing allowed to non-governmental organizations with civil and social justice objectives.  
 
Though the Zenawi government touts statistics that indicate it has improved Ethiopia's economy in the past several years, it is increasingly hostile towards democratic efforts in Ethiopia, or downright rapidly snuffing democracy out.  One example of this is the imprisonment of democratic political group opposition leaders such as Birtukan Mideksa.
 
http://www.amnesty.org/en/individuals-at-risk/write-for-rights/birtukan-mideksa
 
Amnesty International reported that at the end of 2009, Ethiopia remained one of the world's poorest countries with some 6.4 million people suffering acute food insecurity.  Without a democratic government system, the citizens of Ethiopia will increasingly wrestle and meet with extreme difficulty to change important things that will have positive economic repercussions in their lives, and that of future generations, such as changing or at least improving upon agricultural practices and being able to vote for representatives who instead of thwarting efforts towards civil and social justice will welcome and build upon those efforts.  Upward mobility for most families is going to become impossible whereas it is obviously already incredibly challenging, if not impossible.  When families are poor and cannot feed their children, their children can and do become orphans.
 
I hope that lobbying for foreign-policy legislation that could have an effect on minimizing the number of orphans in the world is what Agency means, at least in part, by collaborating with, or building a coalition with, legislators and policy-makers in efforts to reduce global orphan numbers.
 
Any response to this email is sincerely welcomed. I also look forward the periodic updates on the efforts described below in Agency's email.



On June 16, 2010 at 6:29 pm, I received the following response:

Many thanks for your response. I’ll be honest with you on two fronts. One is that we are in the infancy in terms of developing our strategy to take a comprehensive, integrated approach to addressing this massive problem. So, I can’t exactly tell you what our coalition-building efforts with legislators and policy-makers will look like. Secondly, my gut was that it would be focused on legislation like the Families for Orphans Act. I had not thought in terms of federal foreign policy legislation. But that’s part of why I sent the email – to get responses from people like yourself who have thought about things that I haven’t !

I will be in the nation's capitol twice in the next month and will be trying to move the needle a bit.

Thanks again for weighing in with your comments.

_________________________________________________________

I stumbled upon this exchange the other day, the printed version, which I'd kept in a box chock full of adoption / transracial /country news/conditions documentation that I've been intermittently accumulating over the years.

With its initial announcement email, the agency just seemed so damn passionate in its conviction to tackle the lamentable matter of world orphans from a holistic approach.  So passionate, notwithstanding the infancy of its program, that it completely glossed over foreign policy!  (in spite of the actual mention of "policy-makers")

Mind you, this is the exact same agency whose chief development officer, in attendance at an adoption agency family event, once announced that the agency was looking into new "markets".  This he said in reference to the agency establishing a relationship with new countries so peeps from the U.S. could adopt those countries' kids.  I swear to God.  I witnessed the (White) man issue these very words from his very mouth with my very own eyeballs and heard the words with my very own bloody ears. 

I should really email this big honcho guy to see how far their as-of-then unrefined tactical amalgamation has come.

I think I will.

Afterall, the agency has had three years to strategically move forward on its flowery-languaged mission.  In three years passage of time, Meles Zenawi has croaked, Birtukan Mideksa miraculously was released from prison while Eskinder Nega was tossed in, Prime Minister Desalegn took the wheel and has continued Zenawi's legacy of democricide, and, most recently, everyday law-abiding Muslims are suffering religious repression, disenfranchisement, as well as being harassed, attacked, killed, and accused of terrorism.  Meanwhile, the United States maintains its geopolitical BFF status with Ethiopia and continues to dump a whopping approximately 800 million dollars a year into the country*.

*Some of that is used for HIV initiatives, with which I do not take issue in isolated terms.

A Bus and a Bible.

This morning I took public transportation to work.  On the bus I sat next to a Black guy with thick, shoulder-length dreadlocks.  He had a cap on backwards.  I sat next to him on purpose.  After I sat down, I saw that he was reading a Bible.